Third World Journals

Merry Christmas to All!

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 08:08:51 GMT

Here's a Christmas poem for my peeps.

Yo...check it out y'all.
This time I'm talkin bout a few rockin peep-all

Joel, the dude from the long, white cloud
He makes the sheep there cry out loud
I'm not makin any bad kiwi calls
Just wanna let you know who loves em all.

Liz, the wandering writer
In between pot and wow, nothing gets brighter
This year's seen you in many nations
So, when are we gonna see those little ginger Asians?

Chonueerg, the guy with the funky name
Living in Prostitown, which is pretty lame
But with Monty Python and whisky, your time won't go to waste
And if all else fails, just go out to buy toothpaste

Jim, the poker pro
and by this I don't mean a ho
I mean a guy who can own you three times and more
And still have some wicked moves on the dance floor

Max, Asian out and white in
And black coz he's slick at rappin'
To the guy who can down a lotta beer
Don't cause trouble for the cabbies this year

Vams, well, he's still a pikin' kind guy
Some things don't change as the years go by.
This is the same for your exquisite cuilinary delights
Just remember that the kitchen is a woman's place, alright?

Mikey, as the leader of worldwide gays,
I hope you lead your people to happier days
Just remember to do it with skill and grace
and a healthy dose of love right in the face!

Rex, you were always the quieter one.
Until I saw you drunk and loaded with fun
You had more luck than Sammy and I, two.
Those Thai chicks are still waiting for you!

That's it, I'm gonna finish this poem right here
Just wanna say, that I miss you guys and your weird brand of cheer
But, until I catch you all later on next time
Don't forget , stay cool! Peace out , cut the rhyme.

Copyright...more like copywrong! :P

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 18:46:17 GMT

I was doing some research on tourist attractions in Chiang Mai and I came across this beauty of a disclaimer from the Chiang Mai X-Centre.

"Chiangmai X-Centre SORB is not connected to or related to in any way be it either physical, business or through intellectual property to "ZORB" New Zealand ( www.zorb.com ) The original inventors of the "ZORB". Our Sorb may appear similar but was developed and produced to our own requirements and is used for our own unique ride which is not the same or a copy of any other "Zorb" rides offered worldwide whether legal or otherwise. Our company policy has always been to offer new, unique and original attractions to Thailand to the best of our ability and apologise for any misunderstanding or confusion. I hope this is clear and understood. Please enjoy our attractions. Thank You.

Management Team Chiang Mai X-Centre."

Someone is a bit worried about having their pants sued off. If that was even possible in this country.

If anyone can spot the difference between a ZORB and a SORB (besides the different spelling!), you can get a cookie next time I see you.

It's 1.30am...

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 18:31:20 GMT

...and I'm stopping writing my business plan for the night. Accounting sucks. I knew this before but it's worse when you actually have to do it. Being so picky about everything has muddled my head up something fierce. I swear I'm gonna be dreaming about assets, liabilities and break-even analyses tonight. :P

This Is What Happens...

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 16:50:09 GMT

...when I'm left working at just before midnight.

Especially if the website I'm writing for is selling Viagra, Cialis and other happy impotence medication.

"So, if the present looks bleak and things are getting you down, it is time to find yourself a pick me up. Fortunately, the staff members here at RX Bank can really help you to get ahead in your life and start enjoying yourself more. Our products can really raise your self esteem and fill in those gaps which you have probably been missing while suffering from erectile dysfunction."

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I'm Closure to Closer

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 12:51:45 GMT

Or is that closer to closure???

BLAST OFF!!

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 09:16:23 GMT

And she's airborne!! WOOOOOOOO!

Personal Aside

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 04:29:23 GMT

Zuki comes back on Friday at 10.30pm...

I've never been so anxious about anything else before in my life :P

Say What?

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 05:11:23 GMT

I've been spending the past few days writing about the treatment of alcoholism and I came across the following statement:

"Advertisement of alcoholic beverages is not allowed to:
...
3)make the impression, that consumption of alcohol adds to success socially or sexually"

Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the entire basis behind the majority of alcohol ads out there? The typical guy drinking beer with tonnes of hot chicks and friends around him? That's being successful socially and sexually if I ever saw it.

Granted, the document that I got that from was about Denmark so maybe that ruling doesn't apply to other countries. I wonder what Danish beer advertisements are like though...

Thai Word of the Moment #4

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 10:38:13 GMT

Time for another Thai lesson! Today's word will be the actual Thai word for Bangkok. The word Bangkok is not used by Thais and is a foreign word for their capital city. The actual Thai word for the city is Krung Thep (กรุงเทพ).

As for where the word Bangkok comes from, one theory is that Bangkok (or Bang-goh meaning Island Village) was originally a small fishing village situated in the area that the current city is located in. Another theory is that the name came from Bang-makok (Bang meaning village, and makok being a plum-like fruit).

Whatever the reasons for the name of Bangkok, the more interesting story is how Krung Thep got its name. This is actually an abbreviation from the city's actual name. Bangkok's proper name is one of the longest city names in the world and has 65 syllables. The full name for the city is Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Yuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit.

Imagine writing that out fully on a letter :)

Best Buddies

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 10:21:09 GMT

The latest news from Thailand is that current political fugitive Thaksin Shinawatra has been allowed to stay in Cambodia and act as an advisor to the Cambodian Prime Minister, Hun Sen.

This means that the man who has been responsible for causing much of the turmoil in Thailand for the past year with the red shirts and the yellow shirts has been allowed to advise a man who has run Cambodia for the past several decades using some of the most corrupt, heavy handed techniques known to mankind.

I really don't see Thaksin's motives behind this though. Thais are incredibly patriotic (sometimes stupidly so) and if he forms an alliance with a Cambodian, then they will definitely see that as being unpatriotic and anti-Thai. His image won't be a good one over here with this course of action.

Whatever his motives are though, it's obvious that the incredibly corrupt will always flock to the incredibly corrupt. I just hope the two of them won't cause any more problems with both of them being against the current government here. I've got a feeling that my hopes will be in vain though.

Translation Oddities...

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 04:28:54 GMT

I've been looking online for freelance translation work and I came across two ads from the same company for a transcription position. It was for the same job basically but they'd split it into two categories. The first was for writing down interviews, meetings and such that were spoken in an Australian accent. The second was for writing down the same things that were spoken in a native-speaker accent.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but apparently we're not native speakers anymore. Sometime in the past few months Aussies got relegated to being ESL. Did any of you attend the meeting where this got decided? Because, I think I missed it...

Backlogged Entry #2

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 12:44:24 GMT

Today a wax museum opening down in the seaside town of Pattaya (just south of Bangkok) had to cover up a massive billboard of Hitler that they assumed was a great idea for an advertising campaign. The billboard showed Hitler giving the Nazi salute and the slogan on it read in Thai "Hitler isn't dead!"

Some people complained about this surprisingly and they had to cover up the ad. The advertising geniuses behind this lumped Hitler with Bruce Lee, Gandhi and Michael Jackson who they also included on three other billboards around the city.

On a side note, I'm in Eli's house now and it's reeking of puppy poop. Time to finish up the blogging for today...

Backlogged Entry #1

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 12:38:32 GMT

Ok, here's the first attempt at me trying to catch up on the random stuff that's happened over the past few weeks. I'm gonna be breaking these up into sections for your viewing convenience.

I had a mate of mine fly into Thailand last weekend. Some of you might remember Sammy from revue. For those who don't, no worries as this story only vaguely concerns him anyway. He's thinking of opening up a business here and has gotten a Thai friend of his to help out with setting it up. This friend is a girl named Oh who he met last time he was here and who has the management degree and I think the finances to help out.

So, last Thursday I'm back from my Laos visa run and I can meet Sammy and his friend for the first time. We end up going to this Thai restaurant (surprise surprise) and we get Oh to do the ordering from the menu as it's a lot faster. She picks some dishes and then looks at me and tells me to choose something from the menu. Anything at all, she says. Before I even glance at the menu, she goes ahead and lists three or four different dishes that she likes. I ignore her and then choose two dishes from the menu that I like. She doesn't want either of them. In the end, we ordered something that she liked and that I was fairly indifferent to.

The perfect example of a typical Thai woman at work. Maybe this is why I haven't chosen another girlfriend :P

The Strands Are Coming Together

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 12:20:54 GMT

My job situation just got a whole lot cooler today and I reached my goal of being able to work anywhere I want for a decent amount of cash. My work will pay me more salary just so that they don't have to pay for my insurance, work permit and free lunches. They'll also let me work from home. As for losing the benefits, I've got a solution for it all. The work permit I can get around by grabbing a different type of visa (the one Eli's on) so that I can stay here permanently. Then, I'll just have to do the insurance thing by myself (not too hard I think) and the lunches I've got sorted, too.

Now, all I need to do is get Zuki back and the past three months will be reduced to an ugly blurry memory.

Liz, what did you do?

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 11:19:52 GMT

You post and suddenly LJ is quiet again...

Thai Word of the Moment #3

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 10:11:25 GMT

Ok, one more word for all your linguo-philes out there.

Thai has this awesome feature where they take two unrelated words and put them together to create a word with a new definition. Take the words deun (ตึ่น) which means 'to wake up' and den (เต้น) which means 'to dance'.

When we put them together and say deun den (ตึ่นเต้น) it literally means 'to wake up and dance'. Of course, regular Thai doesn't follow the literal translation and the meaning changes. In this case, this combination of words would mean 'to be excited'.

So, the next time that you're excited, remember to wake up and dance around!

This Isn't Even Remotely Funny

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:55:36 GMT

The following is a really good example of Thai mentality when it comes to something urgent being accomplished.

I recently moved into a new room and last night I went to the front desk of the hotel that I'm staying at to ask for the remote for the aircon in my room. I'd slept there for one night already but with no fan and no aircon it was freaking hot. I wasn't going to try that again so I went and requested the remote. The guy at the counter tells me to go and wait in my room and they'd bring it up to me. So, I head back upstairs and wait. And wait. I was waiting for about half an hour studying some Thai until I get fed up and went back downstairs to see what the hold up was. I get there and the guy I'd asked for the remote is fixing up his kid's video game system. I ask him again, "Where's the remote?" and he sends his kids up to my room to look at the brand of the aircon unit. I go up with the kid and he tells me to wait for someone to return and bring it to me. So, I wait again. For twenty whole minutes before I gave up and, swearing under my breath, I head back downstairs to find out why, again, they'd failed to bring me the damn remote. I got out of the lift and spotted the family in the hotel's restaurant eating dinner. The main Thai guy looks at me, looks surprised and asks "Didn't you get it yet?" I tell him no and that I'd waited for long enough and that I was going out to meet a friend for dinner instead.

In the end, they'd left the remote at the counter when I got back from dinner so I spent the night in coolness at least.

It was an awesome example of the Thai way. Take it easy, relax, don't worry if you're sweating your ass off in your room, we'll do it eventually.

I love this country but at times it can frustrate me to tears...

Thai Word of the Moment #2

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 05:23:18 GMT

I have a very simple word for you guys today. In Thai, there are some words which sound like the action or the object that they describe. These words are some of the easiest to remember as they conjure up an image in your head to go along with the word itself.

Today's word is too-ee (ถุย) which means 'to spit'. It's cool, huh? You can almost imagine lobbing out a big blob of phlem when you say the word.

I too-ee in your general direction! Your mother was a hampster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Election Time

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 14:59:16 GMT

It's time for the politicians to pull out all of their promises here in Chiang Mai for the latest round of elections. Thailand's election system is pretty complicated as they have politicians running for seats in national, provincial, city council, district, and sub-district elections. I think this latest one is to elect the mayor of Chiang Mai.

What has been interesting are the various election posters up around town. With my broken Thai, I've been able to read some of the election promises that the various candidates were offering to the masses. What all the problems of growing corruption, incompetant police officers, dangerous traffic, a troubled tourist sector, and overall poverty, you would think that the candidates would focus on those things. Not so, as I found out from a quick skim over the electoral posters I've seen around the city. Here are some of the promises that I've seen so far.

1. To build 7 small parks and 1 large park within 50 km of Chiang Mai
2. To install free citywide Internet
3. To keep Chiang Mai clean and free of garbage.
4. To plant beautiful flowers around the city.
5. Charging only 500 Baht per month for the first child that goes to kindergarten

No mention of the police or government officials anywhere (and I know the words for those so I would see them if they were there)

Basically, as with a lot of things in this country, the focus is on the appearance of the city and keeping it modern and up-to-date. The deeper stuff is ignored and forgotten about. At least until the next time some cop pulls me over hoping for a 200 Baht bribe for not having a driver's license, not wearing a helmet, etc. The great thing is that I'm a waste of time for them. I'm fully legal so no 200 Baht for you copper :)

Thai Word of the Moment #1

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 03:01:49 GMT

Ok, to get this blog back on track and make it about Thailand instead of my personal life, I'm gonna start a new segment. Apologies for all who had to hear about the endless wah about my crap that's been going on (and still is...but we won't mention it here).

Anyway in my studies of Thai, I've come across some cool words and phrases that sound great when directly translated back into English. As I come across these gems, I'll post them up here and maybe we can start speaking a little Thinglish all over the world.

Today's word in Thai is 'kor thot' (ขอโทษ) which means 'I'm sorry' in English. The literal translation in Thai is 'to request punishment'. Kor (ขอ) means to request and thot (โทษ) means to punish.

So, the next time you do something to someone else that you have to apologise for, you can just ask for punishment instead. I guess it's up to them if they want to give it or not. It'll be a good test to see how evil someone is...

I Knowz the Internetz

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 17:16:25 GMT

Ok, ok so my first funny came pretty quickly actually.

I went to see a friend of mine in Bangkok this weekend and on the way back to Hua Hin in the minivan, I get to talking to these two Thai women sitting in front of me. Being the hospitable guy that I am (and the fact that one of them was really cute) I asked them both if they wanted to come eat something with me once the van reached Hua Hin and they accepted. So while we're talking, I mention that I'm writing Internet ads for my job. The older one then asks me if I know a website called Rocket Mail. I'd never heard of it but she was really interested in whether I knew of it or not. She seemed a little disappointed that I didn't know it. Anyway, it later comes out that she's been getting weird emails from someone who she doesn't know over Rocket Mail (which is some MSN type thing). The funny thing was that she just assumed that I'd know the site because I liked to surf the Internet and I did it for my job. I think she hoped that I might know the dude sending the emails or know a way to stop him.

I like her logical train of thought though. This guy works on the Internet. Rocket Mail is on the Internet. Therefore, this guy must know Rocket Mail. Never mind the fact that there are millions of websites out there. I must know every single one of all the inter-webz. All of them!

This was like the time when I mentioned to some Yank that I lived in Sydney. His next line in the chat was something like "My uncle lives there. Do you know him?"

Something's Not Right

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 06:27:23 GMT

I've been writing about U2's upcoming tour for a few articles now and I came across this oddity in my research.

U2 are using a unique stage design where the stage has no definitive front or back and can be viewed at from all angles with no obstructions. A huge claw-like structure will be created to house the speakers and a large circular screen for spectators to watch as well. This whol setup has resulted in the largest set design ever created for a rock performance and will require more than 120 trucks to transport from venue to venue. U2, with their help-the-world mentality, has simply purchased carbon offsets to try and balance out the emissions caused by construction such a massive project. Doesn't that seem fairly ironic to you? They design and create this structure for the sole purpose of building something unique for their tour and then simply buy some carbon offsets as a way to pay something back to the environment for the damage they've done through their sets creation. Wouldn't it have been simpler and less destructive to just not create something like this? If they're really about helping the planet, why do this? It's not as though they need the extra cash to build an orphanage or a hospital and had to have the concert as a fundraiser.

Stage Four: Locked in and Ready to Launch

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 16:18:06 GMT

I finally handed in my resignation from Montfort today and I'll be moving onto my fourth job as an expat. After three stints of teaching, I've decided to call it a day for a while and try my hand at writing fulltime. You guys all know that I've been writing casually since January and next month I'll finish up with everything at Montfort and head down to the beachside town of Hua Hin for two months to start my proper writing job. My future boss, Richard, wants me to work there temporarily so that I get a feel for how the company runs itself. After that, I can move anywhere I want within SE Asia. Unfortunately, the job doesn't pay enough for me to go anywhere I want worldwide but hopefully it'll give me some good experience and be able to step into a better paying job later on. For now though, I have to stay put in Thailand (first Hua Hin and then back to Chiang Mai) to get the hang of the job. I'll have to manage a team of writers, assigning them work and checking their articles for errors. We'll see what happens after I get comfortable in the job. Maybe I'll even pay a visit to Chonug on pirate island for a bit. How's that sound, mate?

As for teaching, I did enjoy it, but the school I worked for managed to suck any feelings of accomplishment out of the job. I didn't feel like I was actually helping anyone move forwards in their lives and just had the experience of churning children through the sausage machine of modern-day education. Maybe when I actually get some decent money saved up, I can look at starting that school again. I'm thinking of doing something with poorer kids as they'll actually appreciate getting educated unlike the rich, spoilt brats at my current school.

Teaching will go on the backburner for now though. Onwards and upwards to a proper writing career!!

Another Unique Thai Experience:

Sat, 23 May 2009 06:53:51 GMT

Putting a spoonful of sweet yoghurt in your mouth and crunching down on a corn kernel.

I've grown to be scared of corn over here. You never know where it's going to turn up.

On Beermats

Thu, 21 May 2009 08:00:15 GMT

Since this story has probably been plastered all over the media back in Australia, I thought I should say something about how I thought this whole deal.

Basically, if you're under a rock back home or overseas somewhere, an Aussie mother stole a beermat from a bar in Phuket and got caught by the police. She's protested that she was innocent in the media and that it was just the Thais overreacting and such but some things in the whole story do not add up.

One, she said it was a prank by her friends who just hid the mat in her handbag without her knowing. A quick look at the actual beermat shows that it is over 4 feet long and would weigh a fair bit. It's fairly unbelievable that she wouldn't have noticed anything when she picked up the bag.

Two, when approached by police at the bar she apparently was abusive towards them. When you deal with cops anywhere, the LAST thing you do is to yell abuse at them.

Three, she then tried to do a runner and bolted out the door of the pub and down the road. The cops ran after her, of course, and then when they asked her to come down to the police station she yelled MORE abuse at them. Apparently.

So basically she repeatedly dug the hole deeper for herself.

As to why this whole story got international coverage, I hope that it is only a case of the large prison term (up to five years) that she was on trial in court for. In reality, that jail term is only for major thieves and she ended up with a 1,000 Baht fine and got sent back to Australia. My more cynical side says that this got coverage because it was an Australian woman in a foreign country. If she had been caught and done a runner back home, this would not have gotten international media coverage if she was up for trial. It would be a similar story if it was a Thai person who did the same series of actions in Australia. Again, there would have been no coverage. Now, I know it was just a beermat (although it apparently was worth AU$60 which is an expensive buy over here) but the whole double standard is really unbelievable. I've seen too many tourists acting up here and heard too many stories about people who get surprised when they do fall under the law of whatever country they're visiting.

I do hope that this story doesn't hurt the tourism over here too much especially since Phuket is one of the main Aussie destinations. This country's been through enough in the past six months and needs the help to get back on its feet.

If you are worried about this sort of thing, just remember that if you're smart and don't break any laws, you will be fine. Why do you need to steal stuff to have fun anyway? Go out, get drunk and don't forget that swearing at police in any country is a really bad idea. And it's especially stupid in a country like Thailand where a simple apology and maybe some cash would make the whole thing go away. Hurling abuse and running just makes the cops here lose face and then things can get blown out of proportion like what happened here.

My main point is simple. Try to understand how local customs and attitudes work. Don't think you're above the law anywhere. And just keep your damn mouth shut. You'll end up enjoying your holiday a lot more.